This is a sample of my writing that is awaiting critiques from other writers. Please feel free to join in with commenting below. Thanks!
(Query was updated on Feb. 14th after some wonderful suggestions.)
Title: The Mirage Shifter
Title: The Mirage Shifter
Genre: Middle Grade Fantasy
Word Count: 55,000
Dear Agent Person,
Twelve-year old Aiden Flanagan wishes he was normal,
but his brain has always been a little off kilter. It enables him to catch
people when they’re lying, which is pretty neat, but it also affects his vision,
enabling him to see an invisible world just inches from reality. But when his
best friend Jake goes into a coma and Aiden sees him walking the streets of New
York in a hospital gown, Aiden fears his friend is close to death, if not
already dead.
Following Jake through Battery Park, Aiden jumps after
him into the East River and they pass through the Mirage, the thin veil that
hides people’s dreams from reality. Aiden learns Jake is only dreaming and still
in his coma, but Aiden’s old childhood imaginary friend is real and doesn’t
want Jake to wake up. Navigating between the dream world and reality, Aiden
races to wake Jake before they’re both stuck in his dream forever.
I am an active member of SCBWI. Thank you
for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
G. K. Kaup
CHAPTER 1
The high pitched humming of the approaching subway hits my ears
at the same moment I see the boy walking on the tracks.
“Stop the train!” I yell, pointing at the boy.
People on the busy platform turn to me and then to the tracks. No
one gasps or screams or yells for someone to save the little barefoot kid.
Barefoot? In the middle of February? I step onto the yellow line and bend over
the tracks, trying to get a closer look at his face. Tan skin, dark hair, and
eyes as blue as a Bunsen burner flame. I know those eyes. He holds my gaze and
smiles before he disappears.
“Are you crazy, Aiden?” Jake shouts, yanking me back just before
the subway passes in front of us.
Breaks screech to a halt and then the subway doors slide open.
People glare at me and shake their heads as they press to get inside.
“Stupid kid,” mumbles an old man.
Jake pushes me in front of him and gets us to the seats at the
back of the car.
“So?” he asks. “What was that all about?”
I swallow and realize this is the first time I've thought about lying to my best friend. I can’t tell him I just saw an invisible friend, because if I do, he’ll really think I’ve lost it.
I try to laugh, but it comes out as a cough. “I don’t know, you
know? It looked like there was something on the tracks.”
What I liked:
ReplyDeleteThe idea sounds really interesting.
And the first 250 words a great.
What needs work:
The placement of "a little 6 year old boy" threw me. I think you could leave that info out.
The query is good but maybe a little long? Not sure though.
I'm not great with writing in present tense. But this one felt off to me: I can’t tell him I just saw an invisible friend from when I was little, because if I did, he’d really think I’ve lost it.
Should it be "because if I do, he'll really think I've lost it"?
Good points. Thanks!
DeleteI think the query is too long. You could leave the third paragraph out entirely and it would be more intriguing.
ReplyDeleteThe flow of your first 250 is very good. The use of present tense keeps the action immediate for the reader.
On a side note: I wrote A Soul's Kiss which is about a girl in a coma who can get into people's dreams and even into their waking bodies. I used the present tense for her POV and the past for the rest.
Good luck.
I did make the query shorter. Thanks for the advice!
Delete(Comment Part 1)
ReplyDeleteHey, there! I don't read much Fantasy, but here are my thoughts:
~
Query:
Aiden Flanagan’s biggest hope in middle school is that everyone will forget how crazy he was in elementary, [Full stop, new sentence.] but when he starts seeing his invisible friend again, a little six year old boy, he’s not sure he can keep it a secret. His best friend Jake knows Aiden has the ability to tell when people are lying, but if he learns Aiden’s seeing things, Jake will definitely think he’s bonkers. [Is this this core of the story? Keeping a secret from his friend? I think this part about Jake could be cut or tweaked.]
THEN AFTER [When] Jake gets hit by a car and goes into a coma, Aiden sees him walking the streets of New York in a hospital gown with an invisible man. [Aha, this is where it gets interesting. The invisible man threw me, though. How does Aiden know the man is invisible? How does he even SEE the man? And cut him if he's not mentioned elsewhere in the query.] Aiden fears Jake is dead, so he follows them into Battery Park and over a railing into the East River, but instead of landing in the water, they pass through the Mirage, the thin veil that hides people’s dreams from reality. Aiden learns Jake is just dreaming and still in his coma, but the boy, Aiden’s childhood invisible friend, doesn’t want Jake to wake up.
[This read like a plot outline. I think it could be streamlined to have more impact. In fact I’d say cut three quarters of the first paragraph and concentrate on voice and clarity in the others. Something like,
‘Aiden Flanagan’s biggest hope in middle school is that everyone will forget how crazy he was in elementary. But when he sees his supposedly hit-by-car, comatose best mate roaming the streets of New York, crazy turns into full-blown insanity.’
If the boy is the crux of the story, you need to explain why Jake needs to know the truth about him. Why does it matter he’s hearing conflicting stories? And how does that link to Jake? What does Aiden need to protect Jake from?]
Aiden promises to protect Jake no matter what the cost, but dream worlds don’t have physical laws. Since Aiden isn’t really dreaming, he keeps shifting back and forth through the Mirage, going in and out of people’s dreams and landing in different countries around the world, but when he hears conflicting stories about the boy and he can’t tell who’s lying, he has to rely on help from the other dreamers if he’s going to wake Jake before they’re both stuck in his dream forever.
[The thing is, you have a cracking and intriguing idea. You just need to pull the strings together in the query and keep it focussed on the one main conflict.
If you want a possible comp, it reminds me slightly of THE DREAM MERCHANT by Isabel Hoving in the respect that there’s a thin boundary between dreams and reality, and the characters find themselves in all different places, cultures and times.]
Thank you for the extensive comments and I took some of your suggestions. :)
Delete(Comment Part Two)
ReplyDeleteAlso, I've capitalised words and phrases to cut because HTML isn't working.
~
CHAPTER 1
The high pitched humming of the approaching subway hits my ears at the same moment I see the boy walking on the tracks. [Perfect!]
“Stop the train!” I yell, pointing at the boy.
People on the busy platform turn to me and then to the tracks. No one gasps or screams or yells for someone to save the LITTLE barefoot kid. Barefoot? In the middle of February? I step onto the yellow line AND BEND OVER THE TRACKS, trying to get a CLOSER look at his face. Tan skin, dark hair, and eyes as blue as a Bunsen burner flame. [Gorgeous simile.] I know those eyes. He holds my gaze and smiles before he disappears.
“Are you crazy, Aiden?” Jake shouts, yanking me back just before the subway passes in front of us.
Breaks screech to a halt and then the subway doors slide open. People glare at me and shake their heads as they press to get inside.
“Stupid kid,” mumbles an old man.
Jake pushes me in front of him and gets us to the seats at the back of the car.
“So?” he asks. “What was that all about?”
I swallow and realize this is the first time I've thought about lying to my best friend. I can’t tell him I just saw an invisible friend, because if I do, he’ll really think I’ve lost it.
I try to laugh, but it comes out as a cough. “I don’t know, you know? It looked like there was something on the tracks.”
[This is fabulous! Your writing is amazing. The dialogue’s perfect, the scene is intriguing, and I care about the character already. His dilemma is wonderfully set up. And good news! it’s way easier to fix a query than a 55k novel.]
I hope something I said was helpful. Best wishes,
Lillian :-)
Thanks so much!
DeleteThis is a fascinating idea for a middle grade book. J.R. Johansen did a YA about a boy who goes into other people's dreams called Insomnia. You could use it as a comparison. The query is toolong. I know this because mine is the same way, so here's what I've learned...Your hook about Aidan is good, the reappearance of imaginary friend isn't necessary. Cut words like then and So. Focus on the fact Aidan wants to save his friend from slipping permanantly into dream world. If the imaginary friend is the antogonist include him in the conflict-second paragraph. Your first 250 words are good, but I think you started the story in the wrong spot. Is there a way to combine Jake being hit by the car with the appearance of the 6 year old? It might create mystery, urgency and interest. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteI reworked my query based on some of your suggestions, so thanks for the advice!
DeleteI'm not sure about the relevancy of the imaginary friend in the beginning bit of the query. Certainly if he's your antagonist it should be mentioned, but maybe not so early. I'm also having a bit of a hard time following exactly what's going on in the query. Aiden is obviously psychic. Why would his friend think he was bonkers for seeing his imaginary friend?
ReplyDeleteI like the motivation to help his friend, and the mechanic of going in and out of other people's dreams to try to save him. I am unsure about the man Jake is with since he isn't mentioned again and I'd like to see the motivation for why Aiden's imaginary friend doesn't want Jake to wake up. Jealousy? If so it needs to be brought forward.
As for the excerpt, I agree that maybe it doesn't start in the right place. Also the voice sounds a little old for an early middle schooler and I was confused thinking this was an adult narrator right up until the end when he starts interacting with Jake and acting more like a kid. Hope this helps and good luck.
You have some good points that others have commented on, too, so I'm back to the drawing board. Thanks!
DeleteThanks for posting this!
ReplyDeleteI really like your idea. Your writing is smooth and easy to read.
Your query letter reads more like a synopsis. Watch out for run-on sentences, especially the last one. Give us the conflict - Aiden is trying to fit in, wants to save his friend...and the stakes-what will happen if he's unsuccessful. Also, work on a good hook phrase.
I really liked your first 250 words. You introduce us to the main character and conflict right away. Good luck!
Thanks for pointing out my query was like a synopsis. It really was and helped me to think about how to make it better. :)
DeleteTitle: The Mirage Shifter
ReplyDeleteGenre: Middle Grade Fantasy
Word Count: 55,000
Dear Agent Person,
Aiden Flanagan’s biggest hope in middle school is that everyone will forget how crazy he was in elementary, but when he starts seeing his invisible friend again, a little six year old boy, he’s not sure he can keep it a secret. His best friend Jake knows Aiden has the ability to tell when people are lying, but if he learns Aiden’s seeing things, Jake will definitely think he’s bonkers. (You repeat the bit about worrying about being crazy twice. Try and trim this. Maybe start with "When (age) Aiden Flanagan starts seeing his invisible friend he tries to keep it a secret. The second sentence feels run-on and convoluted (too many 'he's' where I lose track of the referent - knowing about the ability and thinking he's crazy don't seem linked to me either). I actually feel that that sentence could be deleted altogether).
(Then after- delete) [When Aiden's best friend Jake gets hit by a car and goes into a coma, Aiden sees him walking the streets of New York in a hospital gown with an invisible man. Aiden fears Jake is dead, so he follows them into Battery Park and over a railing into the East River, but instead of landing in the water, they pass through the Mirage, the thin veil that hides people’s dreams from reality. (Aiden learns -delete) Jake is just dreaming and still in his coma, but the boy (if you give him a name earlier in the query it will allow you to tighten things up/use less words), Aiden’s childhood invisible friend, doesn’t want Jake to wake up.
Aiden promises to protect Jake no matter what the cost, but dream worlds don’t have physical laws. Since Aiden isn’t really dreaming, he keeps shifting back and forth through the Mirage, going in and out of people’s dreams and landing in different countries around the world, but when he hears conflicting stories about the boy and he can’t tell who’s lying I thought he had the ability to tell when people are lying), (Delete from Aiden at beginning of paragraph to here) (Aiden) has to rely on help from the other dreamers if he’s going to wake Jake before they’re both stuck in his dream forever.
I am an active member of SCBWI. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
G. K. Kaup
I agreed that the query is too long (a problem I also have and tried to help you tighten/shorten it)
CHAPTER 1
The high pitched humming of the approaching subway hits my ears at the same moment I see the boy walking on the tracks.
“Stop the train!” I yell, pointing at the boy.
People on the busy platform turn to me and then to the tracks. No one gasps or screams or yells for someone to save the little barefoot kid. Barefoot? In the middle of February? I step onto the yellow line and bend over the tracks, trying to get a closer look at his face. Tan skin, dark hair, and eyes as blue as a Bunsen burner flame. I know those eyes. He holds my gaze and smiles before he disappears.
“Are you crazy, Aiden?” Jake shouts, yanking me back just before the subway passes in front of us.
Breaks screech to a halt and (then - delete) the subway doors slide open. People glare at me and shake their heads as they press to get inside.
“Stupid kid,” mumbles an old man.
Jake pushes me in front of him and gets us to the seats at the back of the car.
(“So?” he asks - delete). “What was that all about?” Jake asks.
I swallow and realize this is the first time I've thought about lying to my best friend. I can’t tell him I just saw an invisible (imaginary? or does he believe he's invisible?) friend, because if I do, he’ll really think I’ve lost it.
I try to laugh, but it comes out as a cough. “(I don’t know, you know?- delete, sounds unnatural) [I thought I saw ] (It looked like there was- delete) something on the tracks.”
This is a very strong beginning. Good work.
Thanks for your comments!
DeleteHi Gretchen --
ReplyDeleteReturning the favor.
I think your 250 words are fantastic. Its direct, to the point, and readily comprehensible. I don't have much in the way of comment on them as I think you've created a vivid word picture that works pretty well for introducing the character.
On your query, you start off with a winsome description of your character, but then fall into the specifics of plot about the dream. I didn't quite follow (and I read quickly, because an agent will read quickly). There are obviously complicated, paranormal dynamics going on with this dream, but can you distill it down to what the boy fears the most about his friend falling into a dream world? You can leave the rest for a synopsis or the novel itself. You need only just enough to entice the agent to start reading, and with those first 250 words I think they'll give it a try once they get there.
Cheers,
Timothy
I can tell you pared down your query because of feedback, but it's way too short now. The tension and stakes just aren't there since the imaginary friend (antagonist?) is thrown in at the end. Also, if Aiden sees an 'invisible world' why does he assume it is dead people? It needs to be clear to us. For me, reading the query and seeing Aiden jump to dead people didn't make sense.
ReplyDeleteFor your 250:
"little barefoot kid" is awkward
I know what yellow line you're referring to since I live in NYC, but I don't think most people outside the city will be able to see the setting
Also, I feel like a kid yelling about a person on the tracks will garner some attention from bystanders
I felt like tension was missing. Aiden doesn't even fully react to people ignoring him. And what about his friend next to him? Jake just lets him rave about seeing someone on the tracks?
Dear Agent Person,
ReplyDeleteTwelve-year old Aiden Flanagan wishes he was normal, but his brain has always been a little off kilter. It enables him to catch people when they’re lying, which is pretty neat, but it also affects his vision, enabling him to see an invisible world just inches from reality. But when his best friend Jake goes into a coma and Aiden sees him walking the streets of New York in a hospital gown, Aiden fears his friend is close to death, if not already dead. (I really like this. You’ve presenting this in an interesting way, but it also makes sense, which can be hard to achieve in fantasy)
Following Jake through Battery Park, Aiden jumps after him into the East River and they pass through the Mirage, the thin veil that hides people’s dreams from reality. Aiden learns Jake is only dreaming and still in his coma, but Aiden’s old childhood imaginary friend is real and doesn’t want Jake to wake up (This sentence confused me, as I thought you meant Jake was imaginary). Navigating between the dream world and reality, Aiden races to wake Jake before they’re both stuck in his dream forever (Good stakes).
I am an active member of SCBWI. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
G. K. Kaup
CHAPTER 1
The high pitched humming of the approaching subway hits my ears at the same moment I see the boy walking on the tracks.
“Stop the train!” I yell, pointing at the boy.
People on the busy platform turn to me and then to the tracks. No one gasps or screams or yells for someone to save the little barefoot kid. Barefoot? In the middle of February? I step onto the yellow line and bend over the tracks, trying to get a closer look at his face. Tan skin, dark hair, and eyes as blue as a Bunsen burner flame. I know those eyes. He holds my gaze and smiles before he disappears.
“Are you crazy, Aiden?” Jake shouts, yanking me back just before the subway passes in front of us.
Breaks screech to a halt and then the subway doors slide open. People glare at me and shake their heads as they press to get inside.
“Stupid kid,” mumbles an old man.
Jake pushes me in front of him and gets us to the seats at the back of the car.
“So?” he asks. “What was that all about?”
I swallow and realize this is the first time I've thought about lying to my best friend. I can’t tell him I just saw an invisible friend (Oh, it was a friend? That wasn’t clear), because if I do, he’ll really think I’ve lost it.
I try to laugh, but it comes out as a cough. “I don’t know, you know? It looked like there was something on the tracks.” (This was an interesting start. You introduced the character and his power. I’d probably continue reading)